So here I sit

It's fairly early in the morning....I keep thinking about how people always try to play me for a fool....It really kinda pisses me off ....but not only that it is disrespectful....and hurtful ....so tired of people that I love ...that I would give my life for fucking with my head...Why is it that I can tell people everything straight up but they gotta act like its a game when I ask a fucking question??? I find it so funny that the one person I thought was my best friend... the one...my life......is the one person I can't fucking reach......I feel like he is playing me for a fucking fool.......Letting me wreck my relationship with Jason on purpose(even more than it was already) ... If I find out that this is what is going on I will never talk to him again..... We will be forever over...that is just how I fucking feel......

I am gonna just take some time out of my life to be alone........ I am gonna let Craig keep our son for a little while and I am considering asking Jason to find some where else to stay for a little while cause I really need some space.....though I might just find some where else for me to be...... after I fix my car and all that happy stuff......I just need a breather from my life.....I need to get my head right.......Figure some shit out .......

I guess that is it for now

Life as always

So my best-friend Victor is having a life crisis right now which sucks cause he is really a great guy....He is just kinda shy....spends much of his time behind a computer.......

I have therapy tomorrow.....that'll be interesting......I have so many things I am confused about.......I mean like sex...I know that I want it but not from my boyfriend....It isn't that he is unattractive ...He is quite cute......but I am just for some reason not turned on with him anymore.....It sucks and it causes a lot of strain on our relationship.......I am so frustated with the whole situation......I dont know how to feel about all of it at this point......

I did tell Jason that I would give back every moment we have had as a couple to have my friend back..........The one didn't always look at me like I was naked......

Will write more later

Conversations

Finding myself frustrated because it's crazy how I have basically the perfect boyfriend but for some unknown reason our relationship is failing slowly but surely.....I feel like some how things just aren't right.....We can't seem to find a steady balance.......I feel almost like I am making excuses to run the other direction .....I have some-one in my life who is not abusive, who cares for my son and is willing to do just about anything to make this work and wants to marry me ....and yet all I can think is something is missing....but what???

Jason and I have been talking a lot lately about the state of our relationship....How we never seem to communicate ..... He brought up what I have been thinking a lot that maybe we should just break up.....I don't know what I want at this point.......Jason asked me if I want to be with him, I told him that I can't answer that right now because I am not certain....To answer that one way or the other would be a lie......

What to do.....

Amazing how sometimes

You find songs that fit exactly how you feel.......Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Life...

So I always find myself so confused... I hate that I feel so up and down.....I keep considering going on medications...but I am not sure how I feel about it yet.....I mean I feel a little fucked up because m boy-friend is supposed to be my shoulder to lean on and yet I find that he seems to not give a damn.........

My ex- Justin finally got in contact with me.....God how I have missed him......but he is thinking about coming back to Florida(don't tell him but I have my fingers crossed) ...... I think it would be fantastic to have him back in my life............ He has always been really important to me... He was the first person I made love with the only person I ever let in all the way the one I fell in love with......I want to decide ....Do I stay with Jason make a future with the man that wants to pretend our problems don't exist or with Justin who made sure I never ran from our problems made me face everything.???? That is part of the confusion......

I am not even really sure that I want to be in a relationship at all....... Maybe I should be alone for awhile ......

I am going into therapy my first session is on the 7Th.... I kinda feel like it isn't soon enough .......I am having an issue controlling my compulsions.... I want to yell, throw things....... Hit something.... I have had the urge to cause myself pain ...I don't want to kill myself or anything like that......I just want to feel real again....complete........... I am avoiding it .......I keep my hands busy....... Every time it gets to be a little much I call Red or Justin or "Jeff" or Victor..... and just vent... I do feel bad about the last time I spoke with "Jeff" I kinda bit his head off for no reason really I should apologize for that very soon.....

I got mad because "Jeff" seems to think I love him like a brother but that is not the case....... I am just not "in-love" with him......

Fuck I just wish that I could go back to that time where I knew what I wanted...( And yes "Jeff" there was a time when I did know what I wanted) .....I can't believe that I was stupid enough to tell Justin that I wanted to find out what was out there since he had been the only serious boyfriend I had ever had......... At least the only one that I had a real relationship with.... At the time I had only been with him and this guy John that I had lost my virginity to and pretty much never saw again....I guess I wish I could just go back to the way things were before....... but I can't....What ever

Want

So last night I decided that I wanted to get drunk......And after I got drunk( which was pathetically easy might I add) I started on this rant about how much I hate certain things about myself....Like how I prefer a good novel to a magazine, How I wish I could just be like the other girls my age who get what-ever they want because they shut up.......How I wish I could view love the way every one else does...you know the stupid flowers, the chocolates, the hearts and all that bullshit....Instead I view love....real love as being able to have the guts to tell the person that you love the truth even if it means making them hate you.....because in the end I believe that the truth hurts so much less than some pretty little lie........


At the same time I would rather pretend that the person I am slowly and maddeningly falling for is actually accessible to me and that he feels the same although it is completely irrational ........

Why can't I be normal ?? Why do I have to be the ugly duckling amongst my peers??? Does any one know the answer????

Updates

OK so.....I got a call on a job that I had applied for ......it is apartment cleaning....it is approximately $20an hour after I am officially hired on which hopefully will be very soon....Things are definitely looking up as far as job hunting goes...

I called an old friend of mine ..I am gonna change his name due to certain circumstances.....We use to work together and he could possibly get into trouble but any way we will call him......Jeff......
Jeff and I talked for about an hour........I miss talking to him......I hate that things are the way they are....See he loves me (I know, I know that should be a good thing ) I love him too....the problem is I don't really feel the way you should about some-one that you want to be in a relationship with.......Though I do care for him deeper than I know how to explain...I would never purposely cause him pain of any sort.....I did once ask advice on our relationship once but I never gave details like his job or name....I did how ever mention his age and that we had known each other for quite some time....and the advice that I was given truly disturbed me ( I no longer talk to the person ) ....She told me I should just marry him and take advantage of him until he passes away and that I would still be young and I could have a life after that........

Like I said the advice was rude ...and I never spoke to that person again..... Jeff is really sweet although like most men he is mildly perverted ...but he has always been there to support me when I needed a friend to keep me level headed...It makes me sad that I have to hurt him to be honest with him.....but I just can't give him some pretty lie to make him feel better cause in the long road lying is worse..........

I also have continued talking to Adam........I still like him as much if not more than I did in high school .....We have a geographical issue anyway I am fairly certain that we are doomed to be friends who love each other from a distance....I guess in a way I hope not but only time will tell.......He is suppose to be in Georgia next week though he says he does not know when or where exactly.....I want to visit him while he is so close but I get this feeling that he really doesn't want me to come up there...so unless he brings it up I think I will just drop the issue......I'd rather be forever as his friend than to never talk to him again because I am hurt.....

I tried to get a hold of my "other mother" yesterday but she didn't answer the phone so ended up yet again with out advice.......I am not mad I just feel slightly abandoned.....Truth is I am the one who kinda disappeared for awhile......so in theory it's my fault.......

I have also been trying to get a hold of my friend Justin but he seems to have pulled a me and disappeared........but maybe eventually I will find him again.......

Nightmare

So I am having trouble sleeping tonight and not for the usual I just can't sleep reason but because I had a nightmare..... I don't really even dream normally so it is that much stranger..... I don't really want to talk about it though

I am also thinking about going to a counselor and possibly going back on medication (I am Bi-polar) ... Cause everything seems to be out of hand........but I don't really know......

Ello Again

So I am trying to take some " sexy " photos but I can't seem to take any that I like at the moment......I will try again in about a week when I am not bloated...... and maybe I will add make up to the mix I have been trying to take pictures with out make up lately .......

Jason and I stayed up all night last night and we went and watched the sun rise at Payne's Prairie it was pretty...It would have been better if he didn't complain about the light sprinkle that occurred or the one mosquito that landed on him....But on a brighter note we saw a rainbow.....I thought it was beautiful.........


I really hate that one minute things are great and then the next things are like falling apart again...... It really sucks....I wish there was an even balance for Jason and I .....It frustrates me..... 'Cause there are time I want to say fuck this shit and walk away ....Then there are moments that I want to work it out....but I don't even know what the damn problem really is.......


I guess I am done for now .....

Another Day

So today we took the 2 puppies back that we bought a week ago.....They were like the most perfect dogs you could ask for but our landlord said that they had to be trapped in the house all day instead of in a fenced in area outside......So I decided that I would give them up so that hopefully a family with a big yard will adopt them and give them I proper home........I feel really horrible about it......

I also realize that Jason is never gonna fucking commit to anything ....The whole reason for getting the puppies was to have something that was "ours" ......... Give him something to get attached to......but he didn't even want to try........I am tired of trying to get him to feel something other than lust at this point....I truthfully hate the way things are....we are going on 6 months soon here so why does he feel nothing???? Is it me, am I that flawed???

I just don't know anymore..............

So sitting around......

Watching the T.V. show Dead Like Me.......Love it.......but anyways.....

So I was thinking today that I don't particularly like my boyfriend very much because he is mildly annoying he always has to say some funny thing....and then when I watch shows he likes to hover over my shoulder.......It's kinda aggravating ....almost makes me want to just beat the tar out of him...but still I don't really hate him..........

Lately I have been talking to my friend Adam....... He always seems to make me smile....I find myself fantasizing about him more often than I should......I often think about the way it would feel to be with him....I know in reality it is not really likely to happen......( he lives in Ohio, I live in Florida...) but it's nice to pretend for awhile......See I realized yesterday that I like Adam very much .....I don't love him......but I do like him......It's all good though

Just An Introduction

So where to begin ...My name is Bethany ...or Beth for short.... I have a nearly 2 year old son whose name is Will ........I have a complicated relationship with a guy named Jason.....

I hate liars, playing mind games and really just playing games at all.........

I love music....I am always looking for new things to listen to, so please feel free to make suggestions...... Honesty I prefer the grim truth versus the bright bullshit........Also crazy enough I love working in fast food McDonald's specifically..... I love my mediocre life ...I don't need all of the bullshit that comes with the "Good Life".......

I also like art, poetry, photography and singing.....

If you want to know anything else just ask.....