Tired

I really just hate sometimes that I even dare to have faith in anything that Blake says, I mean realistically I should fucking know better. He tells me that he wants to work om being better and not fucking up and then he pulls dumb shit.

I am beyond ready to call it quits on everything, go get my job back and kick his ass to the curb.

Right

So last week I had lunch with John(the first one for those who have read previous blogs you know who he is) and it went well for awhile and then he told me he loves me. Which was interesting for many reasons not the least of which is that he no longer knows me. He remembers the 17 year old me, the girl who was so in love with him that I alienated my original best friend Red, the girl who he ruined for every other relationship I have had since.

He tried to kiss me as he left and I told him no. I am so over it. I didn't know if I was but seeing him is what made me sure. More accurately smelling him is what made me sure (chemical attraction is no longer there for me). I will always feel something for him but t is no longer that deep abiding love that once was. I will also always be here for him as his friend but no more.

On Thursday Mrs. Amber(Red's mom) is coming to pick me up and take me with her to Georgia to visit him. I am apprehensive but excited. Her and I have never really spent that much time together so I am hoping for it to go really well I really want for us to FINALLY get along. I do respect her very much I just hope she gets a chance to see that for the first time in 11 years. Honestly I love her a little too just because she has put up with so much from me and Red and many other people.

After I get back from Georgia I have to get ready to go to Miami for two days for a wedding with Danielle. I intend to make it the most amazing time for her, I want every one to be jealous of her :)

Honestly this is why

For a real long time I have wondered why I am so screwed up in my thoughts about families,not just mine but other peoples families too. I realized tonight that I am actually alone. Apparently my mother told my younger sister that the reason she can't visit me is because she doesn't need to be around me when I am sleeping around. What makes this severely messed up is that I am not sleeping with anyone. Never thought I would feel this way about my mom.

All children fear failing their parents and all parents fear failing their children. The fact is that my mom hasn't failed to raise me to be a fully functional adult but she has failed to actually be my mom. A mom should always be honest to your face, should be there through the good, the bad and shouldn't seemingly be so insecure that the idea of her children spending time together makes her say cruel things.

I have done nothing but defend my mom until tonight for the last few years. I just have had enough.

Things I just need to say

I don't know what to feel right now. I have only ever felt what I feel "in-love" means for a long period of time for two people. One of them has effectively taken my heart and stomped on it. The other well it seems that "being friends" means that I am his friend.





I have been fairly sick for the last week or so. It would seem that it doesn't matter to my "friends".





I went to IHOP the other day and asked my "friend" La Mar to come have coffee with me since he was in town for work anyway he said he was tired and that I could come spend the night with him if I wanted. I told him that I thought he should just suck it up and have coffee with me he then said that he had already taken his medicine and it was making him tired but he would leave the door open for me if I changed my mind. All I wanted was for him to be my friend just this once. It seems all he wanted was to have sex with me.





He is refusing to pick a life and frankly I just want to start over. He is crushing what is left of me.

Fun< someone tell me if I am crazy

The Red Parts Are Me The Blue Parts Are Danielle. I need someone else to tell me if am losing my mind

On Jun 14, 2011, at 0:14

I feel I should clarify it for since you think I am burning your family at the stake and you think that I was implying that you don't love me enough. That is not what I was trying to do.

The truth is lover that I am being myself as I always am, I am telling you the objective view of some one who studies people in their spare time but I am having a hard time keeping the emotion out of it. I care for you deeply and I hate seeing how much despair there is in your eyes when you return from your family. I know that you don't see it and I understand your loyalty to your family. I am not trying to tear you from your family I just want you to open your eyes see what is happening to you. You always say that you don't understand why you have so many issues and I keep trying to answer that question for you but you are in just as much (if not more) denial as your family.

I frankly think that you do love me in the way that you understand love. I have no doubt about your affection. I was more implying that you don't think that I love you enough. I think you are correct in your conclusion that you are confused about the differences between attention and affection. I think that perhaps you should take more stock in the affection that you receive from those that love you versus the attention that you receive because you feel needy.

For the record my Chocolate Princess is that I didn't answer your text message because I was writing this e-mail to you.

Your Vampire

not too much, honestly. we had that 2hr talk in Baltimore, and we got here and packed all day today, and it honestly felt like he hadn't been listening at fucking all. I'm basically telling him, stop being an asshole, and he just kept it up. telling my music was too aggressive as I'm packing up the kitchen, being an aggressive micro-manager instead of packing his shit...I packed six boxes, and then helped him pack the three boxes of clothes, and then packed the rest of his room while he washed Thor and did laundry. and he kept saying shit that would piss me off. and kept coming in the kitchen and telling me that the writing on the box I just packed is upside down (like that fucking matters), and making eight cups of coffee but sort of dicking around.
so we get to his room, and we're throwing out clothes. and he has this orange linen shirt (hideous) and I'm like, why do you have this, since we're trying to downsize. he's like, I may get invited to a wedding on the beach. and I didn't say anything, bc in my mind, if you don't wear it, you don't need it, and we have a space issue already with the moving truck but what the fuck ever. and he's like, you've been doing that a lot lately, gritting your teeth when I say things to you or when we're having conversations. just say what's on your mind. and I was like...I already have, just trying to tell myself that you heard me the first time and that it will take time for you to get your life right. then, quiet for an hour and a half...no words, except about things going in the right boxes. and then he made lunch, and told me I was weird cuz I wasn't hungry. and we watched desperate housewives again (first time I was like, this is gay.) and I liked it. and he was like, really? this is way out of your zone...but I'm glad you like it. cash money flow ever since. weird day, though. plus I was in a bad mood. so.

Yeah that general irritation that you have with him about feeling like he is not listening to you and hoping that it will sink in that is how I feel.....WITH YOU

And for the record this thing that you do where you act like there is a thing that you want to talk abut and then you don't talk about it. It is honestly THE MOST FRUSTRATING THING that you do. You know that it drives me nuts and you do it anyway I wish you would stop. Please stop doing this because I hate feeling like an asshole for being mad at you when in reality you are kinda the one being an asshole cause you keep doing it to me.

you're in love with a memory. you're in love with what used to be, which makes every other situation you get yourself into completely fucking doomed. you routinely shoot yourself in the foot in these relationships that should go just fine for you, because you won't let it go. and now, it doesn't even make sense a little bit anymore. I fuck up and sometimes I'm a dick. but at the end of any day, you KNOW I'm there for you. and if you don't, it's because you don't care to know.

it happens to everyone and I've tried to be as understanding as I know how, knowing how this memory of a relationship was adding to the slowly increasing bitterness I had towards every person that you get into it with. but it's why you hide behind being unable to work with monogamy, it's part of why you can't have sex with me without losing your shit, it's why you're NOT happy or at peace. I know what my issues are, and I think you think you know what yours are. but the second you realize that you deserve better, and actually believe it, people will keep having this power over you. I watched it happen w/ N -and it's really fucking insane to me that that's not the scariest fucker who fucks with you and makes you crazy.

but I'm just an asshole who doesn't know much.

I didn't answer last night because you were unreceptive and I know that you said you were pissed not unreceptive but fact is that when you get pissed you become unreceptive. All I need for proof is for you to open your eyes, stop being closed minded and read every message that you have written to me out of anger.

You may very well be correct, I may very well be in-love with a memory but as I have frequently said I will not know until I see him. I do not routinely shoot myself in the foot (as you so eloquently put it) at least not intentionally. I have feelings and I just want to be able to figure it out preferably with out you getting angry or hating every person that I get involved with. You think that these relationships should go just fine for me but the fact is that things that have gone wrong and not always due to my lack of ability to hold a relationship. Here I will further explain because that judgement shit that you pulled really just makes me angry.

Examples: The first John; we were engaged, I loved him very much, we had sex about two or three weeks later he dumps me for another girl. Red; we were on and off for many years, in the end we broke up because I had a miscarriage and he was caught kissing another women. The second John; I left because he became physically abusive, he also had lied about having a job still. Craig; This relationship worked until I got to about three months pregnant and was physically unable to have sex so he thought I was cheating, I defended myself told him that was not happening and that I still wanted to work it out and I tried VERY HARD to make it work. Warren; This one is so simple he was using me for my money. Jason; His personality changed after I moved up here and the truth is that this relationship may very well be my fault. I had an attack ( my bipolar flared ) and I started therapy and returned to work and then met Blake; well you have met him and I am sure I don't need to explain the child theory to you.

I know that you are here for me as much as you can be and I am insulted by the implication that I don't care. You should know better.

This memory has nothing to do with why I can not work with monogamy, I have NEVER been happy with monogamy not even with Justin, I had several affairs with other men while him and I were together. It also has nothing to do with why I "can't" have sex with you. Vagina scares me it is that simple, I am not into it. I had hoped that at some point you would get to a place where every time I am around you I didn't feel as if you were going to have a nutty if I looked at you in any sexual kinda way. I was hoping we could relax and start over and that maybe if we took it slower I could warm up to it. Instead now I don't think it will every be because you have to push and push and push my buttons the ones that I specifically have asked you not to push and then wonder why the hell I get so angry and "give you ultimatums".

I have realized and actually believed that I deserve better for awhile now. Which is why shit with Nathan is OVER, why I DON'T take YOUR BULLSHIT as easily anymore. You are the one who makes me the most crazy. You are the reason nine times out of ten that I have migraines and can't sleep cause all I can think about is that you and I can't stop fighting and I can't really remember what we are fighting about anymore.

And for the record yes you are an asshole ( again refer to every message that you have sent me in fits of anger) but I NEVER said you don't know much.

Now

Today I awake from what I have so fondly dubbed a coma (a period of time of more than 8 hours that I sleep.) , I found that I had received a text message from Justin apologizing for not answering me sooner and that he will call me tomorrow morning to explain.

Frankly, I don't know if I should believe him at all anymore. It just seems like there is always a new excuse for why he isn't here yet and why he isn't answering me. I sincerely hope that I am not just in denial and that he does have valid reason for everything that is happening I don't want to lose faith in people for ever and I feel that is a thing that will happen.

I already feel like I have kinda lost one of my best friends (Adam ), we had this conversation that got mighty awkward although it's not really clear as to why it became so damned awkward. I asked him a hypothetical question about what he looks for in a partner, and if the religion thing that he mentioned was set in stone, and I asked him hypothetically "What if the girl was me?" and he got weird.

Eh, hopefully I will know more tomorrow.

Ugh.

I find myself so angry right now. I am not even really clear on what precisely I am angry about. I finally figured out what it is that has prevented me from having successful relationships, it is that keep holding on to Justin and I am trying not to but I don't know how.

I had coffee with Jason last night it was very lovely. I had missed our chats and frankly I have missed him. We had talked about several different things and it was a nice time and it also gave me a chance to finally get the rest of my shit out of his house, it only took me two years.

Also I hate Blake's fucking cat. She is an obnoxious useless animal.

I got in an argument with Danielle about her family. I don't really want to talk about it just yet.