Life...

So I always find myself so confused... I hate that I feel so up and down.....I keep considering going on medications...but I am not sure how I feel about it yet.....I mean I feel a little fucked up because m boy-friend is supposed to be my shoulder to lean on and yet I find that he seems to not give a damn.........

My ex- Justin finally got in contact with me.....God how I have missed him......but he is thinking about coming back to Florida(don't tell him but I have my fingers crossed) ...... I think it would be fantastic to have him back in my life............ He has always been really important to me... He was the first person I made love with the only person I ever let in all the way the one I fell in love with......I want to decide ....Do I stay with Jason make a future with the man that wants to pretend our problems don't exist or with Justin who made sure I never ran from our problems made me face everything.???? That is part of the confusion......

I am not even really sure that I want to be in a relationship at all....... Maybe I should be alone for awhile ......

I am going into therapy my first session is on the 7Th.... I kinda feel like it isn't soon enough .......I am having an issue controlling my compulsions.... I want to yell, throw things....... Hit something.... I have had the urge to cause myself pain ...I don't want to kill myself or anything like that......I just want to feel real again....complete........... I am avoiding it .......I keep my hands busy....... Every time it gets to be a little much I call Red or Justin or "Jeff" or Victor..... and just vent... I do feel bad about the last time I spoke with "Jeff" I kinda bit his head off for no reason really I should apologize for that very soon.....

I got mad because "Jeff" seems to think I love him like a brother but that is not the case....... I am just not "in-love" with him......

Fuck I just wish that I could go back to that time where I knew what I wanted...( And yes "Jeff" there was a time when I did know what I wanted) .....I can't believe that I was stupid enough to tell Justin that I wanted to find out what was out there since he had been the only serious boyfriend I had ever had......... At least the only one that I had a real relationship with.... At the time I had only been with him and this guy John that I had lost my virginity to and pretty much never saw again....I guess I wish I could just go back to the way things were before....... but I can't....What ever