Fun< someone tell me if I am crazy

The Red Parts Are Me The Blue Parts Are Danielle. I need someone else to tell me if am losing my mind

On Jun 14, 2011, at 0:14

I feel I should clarify it for since you think I am burning your family at the stake and you think that I was implying that you don't love me enough. That is not what I was trying to do.

The truth is lover that I am being myself as I always am, I am telling you the objective view of some one who studies people in their spare time but I am having a hard time keeping the emotion out of it. I care for you deeply and I hate seeing how much despair there is in your eyes when you return from your family. I know that you don't see it and I understand your loyalty to your family. I am not trying to tear you from your family I just want you to open your eyes see what is happening to you. You always say that you don't understand why you have so many issues and I keep trying to answer that question for you but you are in just as much (if not more) denial as your family.

I frankly think that you do love me in the way that you understand love. I have no doubt about your affection. I was more implying that you don't think that I love you enough. I think you are correct in your conclusion that you are confused about the differences between attention and affection. I think that perhaps you should take more stock in the affection that you receive from those that love you versus the attention that you receive because you feel needy.

For the record my Chocolate Princess is that I didn't answer your text message because I was writing this e-mail to you.

Your Vampire

not too much, honestly. we had that 2hr talk in Baltimore, and we got here and packed all day today, and it honestly felt like he hadn't been listening at fucking all. I'm basically telling him, stop being an asshole, and he just kept it up. telling my music was too aggressive as I'm packing up the kitchen, being an aggressive micro-manager instead of packing his shit...I packed six boxes, and then helped him pack the three boxes of clothes, and then packed the rest of his room while he washed Thor and did laundry. and he kept saying shit that would piss me off. and kept coming in the kitchen and telling me that the writing on the box I just packed is upside down (like that fucking matters), and making eight cups of coffee but sort of dicking around.
so we get to his room, and we're throwing out clothes. and he has this orange linen shirt (hideous) and I'm like, why do you have this, since we're trying to downsize. he's like, I may get invited to a wedding on the beach. and I didn't say anything, bc in my mind, if you don't wear it, you don't need it, and we have a space issue already with the moving truck but what the fuck ever. and he's like, you've been doing that a lot lately, gritting your teeth when I say things to you or when we're having conversations. just say what's on your mind. and I was like...I already have, just trying to tell myself that you heard me the first time and that it will take time for you to get your life right. then, quiet for an hour and a half...no words, except about things going in the right boxes. and then he made lunch, and told me I was weird cuz I wasn't hungry. and we watched desperate housewives again (first time I was like, this is gay.) and I liked it. and he was like, really? this is way out of your zone...but I'm glad you like it. cash money flow ever since. weird day, though. plus I was in a bad mood. so.

Yeah that general irritation that you have with him about feeling like he is not listening to you and hoping that it will sink in that is how I feel.....WITH YOU

And for the record this thing that you do where you act like there is a thing that you want to talk abut and then you don't talk about it. It is honestly THE MOST FRUSTRATING THING that you do. You know that it drives me nuts and you do it anyway I wish you would stop. Please stop doing this because I hate feeling like an asshole for being mad at you when in reality you are kinda the one being an asshole cause you keep doing it to me.

you're in love with a memory. you're in love with what used to be, which makes every other situation you get yourself into completely fucking doomed. you routinely shoot yourself in the foot in these relationships that should go just fine for you, because you won't let it go. and now, it doesn't even make sense a little bit anymore. I fuck up and sometimes I'm a dick. but at the end of any day, you KNOW I'm there for you. and if you don't, it's because you don't care to know.

it happens to everyone and I've tried to be as understanding as I know how, knowing how this memory of a relationship was adding to the slowly increasing bitterness I had towards every person that you get into it with. but it's why you hide behind being unable to work with monogamy, it's part of why you can't have sex with me without losing your shit, it's why you're NOT happy or at peace. I know what my issues are, and I think you think you know what yours are. but the second you realize that you deserve better, and actually believe it, people will keep having this power over you. I watched it happen w/ N -and it's really fucking insane to me that that's not the scariest fucker who fucks with you and makes you crazy.

but I'm just an asshole who doesn't know much.

I didn't answer last night because you were unreceptive and I know that you said you were pissed not unreceptive but fact is that when you get pissed you become unreceptive. All I need for proof is for you to open your eyes, stop being closed minded and read every message that you have written to me out of anger.

You may very well be correct, I may very well be in-love with a memory but as I have frequently said I will not know until I see him. I do not routinely shoot myself in the foot (as you so eloquently put it) at least not intentionally. I have feelings and I just want to be able to figure it out preferably with out you getting angry or hating every person that I get involved with. You think that these relationships should go just fine for me but the fact is that things that have gone wrong and not always due to my lack of ability to hold a relationship. Here I will further explain because that judgement shit that you pulled really just makes me angry.

Examples: The first John; we were engaged, I loved him very much, we had sex about two or three weeks later he dumps me for another girl. Red; we were on and off for many years, in the end we broke up because I had a miscarriage and he was caught kissing another women. The second John; I left because he became physically abusive, he also had lied about having a job still. Craig; This relationship worked until I got to about three months pregnant and was physically unable to have sex so he thought I was cheating, I defended myself told him that was not happening and that I still wanted to work it out and I tried VERY HARD to make it work. Warren; This one is so simple he was using me for my money. Jason; His personality changed after I moved up here and the truth is that this relationship may very well be my fault. I had an attack ( my bipolar flared ) and I started therapy and returned to work and then met Blake; well you have met him and I am sure I don't need to explain the child theory to you.

I know that you are here for me as much as you can be and I am insulted by the implication that I don't care. You should know better.

This memory has nothing to do with why I can not work with monogamy, I have NEVER been happy with monogamy not even with Justin, I had several affairs with other men while him and I were together. It also has nothing to do with why I "can't" have sex with you. Vagina scares me it is that simple, I am not into it. I had hoped that at some point you would get to a place where every time I am around you I didn't feel as if you were going to have a nutty if I looked at you in any sexual kinda way. I was hoping we could relax and start over and that maybe if we took it slower I could warm up to it. Instead now I don't think it will every be because you have to push and push and push my buttons the ones that I specifically have asked you not to push and then wonder why the hell I get so angry and "give you ultimatums".

I have realized and actually believed that I deserve better for awhile now. Which is why shit with Nathan is OVER, why I DON'T take YOUR BULLSHIT as easily anymore. You are the one who makes me the most crazy. You are the reason nine times out of ten that I have migraines and can't sleep cause all I can think about is that you and I can't stop fighting and I can't really remember what we are fighting about anymore.

And for the record yes you are an asshole ( again refer to every message that you have sent me in fits of anger) but I NEVER said you don't know much.