Life in general

So crazy me I am trying to convince Blake to be in an open relationship because I just feel that I would be happier that way....I DEFINITELY dont' want to break it off with him he is still my love my world but there are simply other pieces of me that need attention... pieces that I feel Blake can't completely fulfill or that maybe I don't want him to completely satisfy ....Blake is definitely awesome...I really, Really, REALLY want him to be around forever....That being said I am not quite ready to completely settle down ...partially yes fully not so much.....

I feel very content with life at the moment .... I would feel more content if Blake would agree ...Things are almost perfect I have people in my life that love me very much and that I love very much....and no not just in a friend kind of way......I do know that most people don't believe that you can love more than one person with all of your heart at the same time but I think that people like that are fools .....

As for Lindsey and I we are doing okay I am just being a little distant right now she is uber clinging which is good some times just not right now .....I know she is a strong person and we will make it through this some how.....I think I am afraid of hurting her ...I don't want to hurt her at all....I am just not sure that I ever really want to get physical with her because in a lot of ways I think that it would ruin what we have....and what happens if I decide I don't like it .....I want Lindsey to be around because she is good to me and Will ...and she is good to the rest of our family too......

David and I are having increasingly serious conversations about we feel for each other and where we want things to go......We kissed the other night and it was very nice it felt natural and right some how.......Hope that Blake agrees to this whole openess thing or else all of this won't matter......

There is also a new addition to our odd little family ...Josh I care for him although I don't quite understand why.....We are very much different but he is awkwardly sweet and considerite of me ....I like being around him.....He helps me keep my head straight........I want to be able to not feel guilty about these feelings that I am having.......

I keep praying (although normally I don't) that Blake will eventually understand that I am not doing this to hurt him I just trying to find myself again and I want to include him...I am not trying to run him off .......I just want to be able to be open with myself and him.....and I feel myself shutting him out right now because I can't face him when I am having these urges and I want strongly to act upon them....I can't make myself want him at this point because of all of this ....I want to want him.....keep hoping I will come home one day and he will say that he is ok with it and that he will love me no matter what.....and that he isn't gonna run away from me cause I want to have multiple relationships instead of just one.....

If he does agree he will be the alpha male of course he will have special days that are just his but I want to be able to tell him hey I am going to David's or Josh's or Lindsey's with out it being bad or having these doubts floating around.......

To my family I love all of you dearly I can't see functioning with out all of you here ....you are all very wonderful in your own ways you all complete me in different parts of my soul......you all have me always.........

Sometimes its so difficult

To find yourself when you are so damn confused ........To love more than on person at the same exact time.....It is beyond conflicting......I don't really know how it happens or how to deal with it......I wish I did

movie i just watched

I just watched a movie called mom at 16 and i cried a lot ......the girl in the end gave up her son to an open adoption........ Something I could never ever do.......I look at my son and although there are times i wish i was alone again i would miss his silly little laugh, his kisses, the way he hides behind his hands when he is in trouble.....and little raisin face...........He is my little miracle......my turdly.....I could not watch some one else walk away with son....my Mr.Will it would kill me......

Confused

Everything is good ......Keep thinking about my life and how I would drop everything if I didn't have Will and if hadn't already fallen for Blake.....and run to save him but its really hard to wanna give up my future for my past...I am really fighting myself right now........

Truth

Sometimes it takes finding the perfect person for you to realize that damn there is still something missing ......This song kinda describes almost exactly how I feel towards Justin.....

Once upon a time, we swore not to say goodbye
Something got a hold of us and we changed
And then you sat alone in pride
And I sat at home and cried
How'd our fairytale just end up this way

We went round for round til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring, not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like i do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through
These emotional changes
Seems like such a lost 'cause
I can't wait to face you,
break you down so low
there's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you
Ooh ohh

Ooh this was a love phenomenon no one could explain
And i wish I could press reset and feel that feeling again
I sit and press rewind
And watch us every night
Wanna pause it but I can't make it stay (Just gotta let it play)

We went round for round til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like i do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through
these emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you,
break you down so low
There's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you
ohh ohh ohh

No need to call my phone cause I changed my number today
Matter fact I think I'm moving away (away)
Sorry the frustration's got me feeling a way
And I just keep having one last thing to say
And I just wanna hold you,
touch you, feel you, be near you
I miss you baby baby baby
I'm tired of tryin' to fake through
But there's nothing I can do
Boy I can't wait to hate you

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like I do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through
these emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you
break you down so low
there's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you baby

I can't wait to H-A-T-E you
Cause right now I need you
Can't wait to make you go

So here I sit

It's fairly early in the morning....I keep thinking about how people always try to play me for a fool....It really kinda pisses me off ....but not only that it is disrespectful....and hurtful ....so tired of people that I love ...that I would give my life for fucking with my head...Why is it that I can tell people everything straight up but they gotta act like its a game when I ask a fucking question??? I find it so funny that the one person I thought was my best friend... the one...my life......is the one person I can't fucking reach......I feel like he is playing me for a fucking fool.......Letting me wreck my relationship with Jason on purpose(even more than it was already) ... If I find out that this is what is going on I will never talk to him again..... We will be forever over...that is just how I fucking feel......

I am gonna just take some time out of my life to be alone........ I am gonna let Craig keep our son for a little while and I am considering asking Jason to find some where else to stay for a little while cause I really need some space.....though I might just find some where else for me to be...... after I fix my car and all that happy stuff......I just need a breather from my life.....I need to get my head right.......Figure some shit out .......

I guess that is it for now

Life as always

So my best-friend Victor is having a life crisis right now which sucks cause he is really a great guy....He is just kinda shy....spends much of his time behind a computer.......

I have therapy tomorrow.....that'll be interesting......I have so many things I am confused about.......I mean like sex...I know that I want it but not from my boyfriend....It isn't that he is unattractive ...He is quite cute......but I am just for some reason not turned on with him anymore.....It sucks and it causes a lot of strain on our relationship.......I am so frustated with the whole situation......I dont know how to feel about all of it at this point......

I did tell Jason that I would give back every moment we have had as a couple to have my friend back..........The one didn't always look at me like I was naked......

Will write more later