movie i just watched

I just watched a movie called mom at 16 and i cried a lot ......the girl in the end gave up her son to an open adoption........ Something I could never ever do.......I look at my son and although there are times i wish i was alone again i would miss his silly little laugh, his kisses, the way he hides behind his hands when he is in trouble.....and little raisin face...........He is my little miracle......my turdly.....I could not watch some one else walk away with son....my Mr.Will it would kill me......

Confused

Everything is good ......Keep thinking about my life and how I would drop everything if I didn't have Will and if hadn't already fallen for Blake.....and run to save him but its really hard to wanna give up my future for my past...I am really fighting myself right now........

Truth

Sometimes it takes finding the perfect person for you to realize that damn there is still something missing ......This song kinda describes almost exactly how I feel towards Justin.....

Once upon a time, we swore not to say goodbye
Something got a hold of us and we changed
And then you sat alone in pride
And I sat at home and cried
How'd our fairytale just end up this way

We went round for round til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring, not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like i do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through
These emotional changes
Seems like such a lost 'cause
I can't wait to face you,
break you down so low
there's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you
Ooh ohh

Ooh this was a love phenomenon no one could explain
And i wish I could press reset and feel that feeling again
I sit and press rewind
And watch us every night
Wanna pause it but I can't make it stay (Just gotta let it play)

We went round for round til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like i do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through
these emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you,
break you down so low
There's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you
ohh ohh ohh

No need to call my phone cause I changed my number today
Matter fact I think I'm moving away (away)
Sorry the frustration's got me feeling a way
And I just keep having one last thing to say
And I just wanna hold you,
touch you, feel you, be near you
I miss you baby baby baby
I'm tired of tryin' to fake through
But there's nothing I can do
Boy I can't wait to hate you

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like I do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through
these emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you
break you down so low
there's no place left to go

I can't wait to hate you baby

I can't wait to H-A-T-E you
Cause right now I need you
Can't wait to make you go

So here I sit

It's fairly early in the morning....I keep thinking about how people always try to play me for a fool....It really kinda pisses me off ....but not only that it is disrespectful....and hurtful ....so tired of people that I love ...that I would give my life for fucking with my head...Why is it that I can tell people everything straight up but they gotta act like its a game when I ask a fucking question??? I find it so funny that the one person I thought was my best friend... the one...my life......is the one person I can't fucking reach......I feel like he is playing me for a fucking fool.......Letting me wreck my relationship with Jason on purpose(even more than it was already) ... If I find out that this is what is going on I will never talk to him again..... We will be forever over...that is just how I fucking feel......

I am gonna just take some time out of my life to be alone........ I am gonna let Craig keep our son for a little while and I am considering asking Jason to find some where else to stay for a little while cause I really need some space.....though I might just find some where else for me to be...... after I fix my car and all that happy stuff......I just need a breather from my life.....I need to get my head right.......Figure some shit out .......

I guess that is it for now

Life as always

So my best-friend Victor is having a life crisis right now which sucks cause he is really a great guy....He is just kinda shy....spends much of his time behind a computer.......

I have therapy tomorrow.....that'll be interesting......I have so many things I am confused about.......I mean like sex...I know that I want it but not from my boyfriend....It isn't that he is unattractive ...He is quite cute......but I am just for some reason not turned on with him anymore.....It sucks and it causes a lot of strain on our relationship.......I am so frustated with the whole situation......I dont know how to feel about all of it at this point......

I did tell Jason that I would give back every moment we have had as a couple to have my friend back..........The one didn't always look at me like I was naked......

Will write more later

Conversations

Finding myself frustrated because it's crazy how I have basically the perfect boyfriend but for some unknown reason our relationship is failing slowly but surely.....I feel like some how things just aren't right.....We can't seem to find a steady balance.......I feel almost like I am making excuses to run the other direction .....I have some-one in my life who is not abusive, who cares for my son and is willing to do just about anything to make this work and wants to marry me ....and yet all I can think is something is missing....but what???

Jason and I have been talking a lot lately about the state of our relationship....How we never seem to communicate ..... He brought up what I have been thinking a lot that maybe we should just break up.....I don't know what I want at this point.......Jason asked me if I want to be with him, I told him that I can't answer that right now because I am not certain....To answer that one way or the other would be a lie......

What to do.....

Amazing how sometimes

You find songs that fit exactly how you feel.......Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone