Oh Life

I really can't help but find myself in a severe state of hurt and anger. Justin hasn't answered my calls or text messages or e-mails in over a week. I wish he would tell me what the fuck is happening.

Keep thinking that I could have made radically different choices and I would not be hurting nearly as much as I am. I know that I shouldn't be living in the past, I know that logically it makes no difference one way or the other .

I still have some feelings for Justin and I realistically shouldn't after all of this time but I do. I am not sure really to what end I feel these things but seeing him could tip the scale one way or the other. Again that would require cooperation on his part.

It's Been Awhile

I seems to have been since January that I posted on here, not really sure why. I suppose it could be because of the fact that my life has taken interesting turns.

Danielle and I are no longer together unfortunately we have the exact opposite needs. I honestly don't know what to do with that other than love her and give her what I can.

Blake and I are kinda just what ever. I love him but I just need to be in a better mind frame and I am not there yet. I like that Blake is "Daddy" to my Mr. Will, and that he is a good man.

Also I am still in love with Nathan but things are just at a slight halt with that. I am just taking all that I can get from him.

Lindsey and I are still friends. We are now living together it's been nice so far. We will see how well it goes.

Hurricane

That's how everything started. I couldn't tell you the starting point not that it matters. All I know is that he isn't perfect but he is perfect for me. I don't know how I went from me to this, I know that he makes me better. I would die for him. Now I find out he may die before I have a chance to prove it. Not taking this well.

Oh the Life of me

So I have come to the realization that I am a very career driven women and that there are people in my life who may not be able to handle that ....There are many arguments that occur due to the desire to move foward.....I am not really sure what to do at the this point...Don't really want to leave but things seem so out of place......I have faith that I will eventually figure this out but I just wish that I could just do it now.......

You Make Me Feel

Loving Katy Perry's new stuff it's pretty good...Also liking this artist named Robyn but its hard to find her stuff....

Trying to find my footing in life and with Danielle and well just with me in general....Having a really hard time with life in general

Life in general

So crazy me I am trying to convince Blake to be in an open relationship because I just feel that I would be happier that way....I DEFINITELY dont' want to break it off with him he is still my love my world but there are simply other pieces of me that need attention... pieces that I feel Blake can't completely fulfill or that maybe I don't want him to completely satisfy ....Blake is definitely awesome...I really, Really, REALLY want him to be around forever....That being said I am not quite ready to completely settle down ...partially yes fully not so much.....

I feel very content with life at the moment .... I would feel more content if Blake would agree ...Things are almost perfect I have people in my life that love me very much and that I love very much....and no not just in a friend kind of way......I do know that most people don't believe that you can love more than one person with all of your heart at the same time but I think that people like that are fools .....

As for Lindsey and I we are doing okay I am just being a little distant right now she is uber clinging which is good some times just not right now .....I know she is a strong person and we will make it through this some how.....I think I am afraid of hurting her ...I don't want to hurt her at all....I am just not sure that I ever really want to get physical with her because in a lot of ways I think that it would ruin what we have....and what happens if I decide I don't like it .....I want Lindsey to be around because she is good to me and Will ...and she is good to the rest of our family too......

David and I are having increasingly serious conversations about we feel for each other and where we want things to go......We kissed the other night and it was very nice it felt natural and right some how.......Hope that Blake agrees to this whole openess thing or else all of this won't matter......

There is also a new addition to our odd little family ...Josh I care for him although I don't quite understand why.....We are very much different but he is awkwardly sweet and considerite of me ....I like being around him.....He helps me keep my head straight........I want to be able to not feel guilty about these feelings that I am having.......

I keep praying (although normally I don't) that Blake will eventually understand that I am not doing this to hurt him I just trying to find myself again and I want to include him...I am not trying to run him off .......I just want to be able to be open with myself and him.....and I feel myself shutting him out right now because I can't face him when I am having these urges and I want strongly to act upon them....I can't make myself want him at this point because of all of this ....I want to want him.....keep hoping I will come home one day and he will say that he is ok with it and that he will love me no matter what.....and that he isn't gonna run away from me cause I want to have multiple relationships instead of just one.....

If he does agree he will be the alpha male of course he will have special days that are just his but I want to be able to tell him hey I am going to David's or Josh's or Lindsey's with out it being bad or having these doubts floating around.......

To my family I love all of you dearly I can't see functioning with out all of you here ....you are all very wonderful in your own ways you all complete me in different parts of my soul......you all have me always.........

Sometimes its so difficult

To find yourself when you are so damn confused ........To love more than on person at the same exact time.....It is beyond conflicting......I don't really know how it happens or how to deal with it......I wish I did