So here I sit

It's fairly early in the morning....I keep thinking about how people always try to play me for a fool....It really kinda pisses me off ....but not only that it is disrespectful....and hurtful ....so tired of people that I love ...that I would give my life for fucking with my head...Why is it that I can tell people everything straight up but they gotta act like its a game when I ask a fucking question??? I find it so funny that the one person I thought was my best friend... the one...my life......is the one person I can't fucking reach......I feel like he is playing me for a fucking fool.......Letting me wreck my relationship with Jason on purpose(even more than it was already) ... If I find out that this is what is going on I will never talk to him again..... We will be forever over...that is just how I fucking feel......

I am gonna just take some time out of my life to be alone........ I am gonna let Craig keep our son for a little while and I am considering asking Jason to find some where else to stay for a little while cause I really need some space.....though I might just find some where else for me to be...... after I fix my car and all that happy stuff......I just need a breather from my life.....I need to get my head right.......Figure some shit out .......

I guess that is it for now

Life as always

So my best-friend Victor is having a life crisis right now which sucks cause he is really a great guy....He is just kinda shy....spends much of his time behind a computer.......

I have therapy tomorrow.....that'll be interesting......I have so many things I am confused about.......I mean like sex...I know that I want it but not from my boyfriend....It isn't that he is unattractive ...He is quite cute......but I am just for some reason not turned on with him anymore.....It sucks and it causes a lot of strain on our relationship.......I am so frustated with the whole situation......I dont know how to feel about all of it at this point......

I did tell Jason that I would give back every moment we have had as a couple to have my friend back..........The one didn't always look at me like I was naked......

Will write more later

Conversations

Finding myself frustrated because it's crazy how I have basically the perfect boyfriend but for some unknown reason our relationship is failing slowly but surely.....I feel like some how things just aren't right.....We can't seem to find a steady balance.......I feel almost like I am making excuses to run the other direction .....I have some-one in my life who is not abusive, who cares for my son and is willing to do just about anything to make this work and wants to marry me ....and yet all I can think is something is missing....but what???

Jason and I have been talking a lot lately about the state of our relationship....How we never seem to communicate ..... He brought up what I have been thinking a lot that maybe we should just break up.....I don't know what I want at this point.......Jason asked me if I want to be with him, I told him that I can't answer that right now because I am not certain....To answer that one way or the other would be a lie......

What to do.....

Amazing how sometimes

You find songs that fit exactly how you feel.......Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone