Life in general

So crazy me I am trying to convince Blake to be in an open relationship because I just feel that I would be happier that way....I DEFINITELY dont' want to break it off with him he is still my love my world but there are simply other pieces of me that need attention... pieces that I feel Blake can't completely fulfill or that maybe I don't want him to completely satisfy ....Blake is definitely awesome...I really, Really, REALLY want him to be around forever....That being said I am not quite ready to completely settle down ...partially yes fully not so much.....

I feel very content with life at the moment .... I would feel more content if Blake would agree ...Things are almost perfect I have people in my life that love me very much and that I love very much....and no not just in a friend kind of way......I do know that most people don't believe that you can love more than one person with all of your heart at the same time but I think that people like that are fools .....

As for Lindsey and I we are doing okay I am just being a little distant right now she is uber clinging which is good some times just not right now .....I know she is a strong person and we will make it through this some how.....I think I am afraid of hurting her ...I don't want to hurt her at all....I am just not sure that I ever really want to get physical with her because in a lot of ways I think that it would ruin what we have....and what happens if I decide I don't like it .....I want Lindsey to be around because she is good to me and Will ...and she is good to the rest of our family too......

David and I are having increasingly serious conversations about we feel for each other and where we want things to go......We kissed the other night and it was very nice it felt natural and right some how.......Hope that Blake agrees to this whole openess thing or else all of this won't matter......

There is also a new addition to our odd little family ...Josh I care for him although I don't quite understand why.....We are very much different but he is awkwardly sweet and considerite of me ....I like being around him.....He helps me keep my head straight........I want to be able to not feel guilty about these feelings that I am having.......

I keep praying (although normally I don't) that Blake will eventually understand that I am not doing this to hurt him I just trying to find myself again and I want to include him...I am not trying to run him off .......I just want to be able to be open with myself and him.....and I feel myself shutting him out right now because I can't face him when I am having these urges and I want strongly to act upon them....I can't make myself want him at this point because of all of this ....I want to want him.....keep hoping I will come home one day and he will say that he is ok with it and that he will love me no matter what.....and that he isn't gonna run away from me cause I want to have multiple relationships instead of just one.....

If he does agree he will be the alpha male of course he will have special days that are just his but I want to be able to tell him hey I am going to David's or Josh's or Lindsey's with out it being bad or having these doubts floating around.......

To my family I love all of you dearly I can't see functioning with out all of you here ....you are all very wonderful in your own ways you all complete me in different parts of my soul......you all have me always.........

Sometimes its so difficult

To find yourself when you are so damn confused ........To love more than on person at the same exact time.....It is beyond conflicting......I don't really know how it happens or how to deal with it......I wish I did